Little Miss Muffet
Crouched on a tuffet,
Collecting her shell-shocked wits.
There dropped (from a glider)
An H-Bomb beside her-
Which blasted Miss Muffet to bits.

There once was a woman from Sydney
Who could take it in up to her kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn't he?

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But Jack was slow
And Jack wasn't quick
Jack caught fire and burnt his pants.

Their once was a woman from Sidney..
Who said she could take one to the Kidney...
Along came a man from Quebec
and gave her one to the neck.

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

Mary had a little sheep
and with the sheep she went to sleep
the sheep turned out to be a ram
Mary had a little lamb

Jack and Jill went up the hill
they each went up with a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
they didn't go up for water...

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do some Hanky Panky.
Jack went 'Uh!' and Jill went 'Ah!'
And out came baby Frankie!

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
To get her poor daughter a dress.
But when she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
And so was her daughter, I guess!

Mary had a little lamb
Its' fleece was black as charcoal
and every time it jumped the fence
it used to scratch its ...
Now don't be mistaken
and don't be misled
every time it jumped the fence
It used to scratch its' LEG.

Little Miss Muffet
Crouched on a tuffet,
Collecting her shell-shocked wits.
There dropped (from a glider)
An H-Bomb beside her-
Which blasted Miss Muffet to bits.

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in in a bucket,
And every time that it got out,
Mary said, "Ah f**kit".

Mary had a little lamb,
It had a sooty foot,
And into Mary's bread and jam,
It's sooty foot it put!

Mary had a little lamb
it drank some gasoline.
Then it wandered near a flame
and now it's not benzine.

Mary had a little lamb
it's fleece was white as snow.
She walked past a butcher shop
but the lamb went by too slow!

Mary had a pair of pliers
With purple insulated grips
She kept them in her gladstone bag
So they'd be handy on her trips.

When mary had a little lamb
The doctors were surprised
but when Old McDonald had a farm
You should have seen their eyes!

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear.
I've often see her little lamb -
but I've yet to see her bare.

To the game young knight,
the maid offered her honour.
Obsessed with  her beauty,
he honoured her offer.
And all night long,
it was honour and offer.

There was a math teacher named Paul
Who had a hexagonal ball.
The square of its weight.
And his pecker plus eight.
Is his phone number.  Give him a call.

Income tax is almost due
And this makes me today
Another shaking member of
the I.O.U.S.A.

An April 16 midnight dreary
While I pondered weak and weary,
My tax return dropped through the slot...
But did I sign the thing or not?
No creditors need call-
The ATO has got it all.

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie.
Stuck in his thumb
Pulled out a plumb
And said 'Holy shit am I High!'"

Mary had a little lamb,
she tied him to a heater,
every time he turned around,
he burned his little peter.

In days of old,
When knights were old,
And toilets weren't invented...
You left your load,
upon the road,
And walked away contented.

If I had your picture,
It would be very nice,
I'd hang it in my attic,
To scare away the mice!

Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her old dog some cold pie.
But when she got there...
The cupboard was bare...
So it took a bite out of her thigh.

Adam wore a fig leaf,
Eve none at all.
The fun began in Autumn,
When the leaves began to fall.

Little Willie, in bows and sashes,
Fell in the fire and got burned to ashes.
In the winter, when the weather was chilly,
No one liked to poke up Willie.

Little Willie hung his sister;
She was dead before we missed her.
"Willie's always up to tricks
Ain't he cute? He's only six!"

Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed the baby to the door.
Mother said with humor quaint,
"Willie, dear, don't spoil the paint."

Willie saw some dynamite.
Couldn't understand it quite.
Curiosity never pays;
It rained Willie seven days.

Willie in the cauldron fell;
See the grief on mothers brow!
Mother loved her darling well
Darling's quite hard-boiled by now.

Making toast at the fireside
Nurse fell in the fire and died;
And, what makes it ten times worse
All the toast was burned with nurse.

An angel bore dear Uncle Joe
To rest beyond the stars.
I miss him, oh! I miss him so--
He had such good cigars!

Willie fell down the elevator
Wasn't found 'till six days later.
Then the neighbors sniffed, "Gee Whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is!"

Into the family drinking well,
Willie pushed his sister Nell.
She's there yet-- the water kilt her,
And now we have to use a filter.

Little Willie, full of glee,
Put radium in Grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it quite a lark
To see her glowing in the dark.

Willie, in a fit insane,
Thrust his head beneath a train.
All were quite suprised to find
How it broadened Willie's mind.

Willie on the railroad track--
The engine gave a squeal.
The engineer just took a spade,
And scraped him off the wheel

Willie with his little shears
Clipped off baby brother's ears.
This made baby so unsightly,
Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.

Little Willie, mean as hell,
Pushed his sister in the well.
Mother said while drawing water,
"My, it's hard to raise a daughter."

Willie's cute as cute can be!
Beneath his brother, only three,
He lit a stick of dynamite.
Now Bubby's simply out of sight!

Willie, with a fearful curse,
Flung the coffee pot at nurse.
As it struck her on the nose,
Father said, "How straight he throws!"

Birdie birdie in the sky,
Left a message in my eye,
As I watched him way up high,
I thanked the Lord that cows cann't fly!

There once was hermit named Dave,
Who brought a dead whore to his cave.
She was missing a tit,
And smelled just like shit,
But think of the money he'd save.

So here's to the breezes,
that, blow throught the trees's
And lifts the girls skirts above their knees
When the little boys see,
He does as he pleases
And that is how we get,
Social Diseases .

A certain young sailor named Tex
Avoided premarital sex
By thinking of Jesus
And penile diseases
And beating his meat below decks.

A notorious whore named Miss Hearst
In the weakness of men is well versed.
Reads a sign o'er the head
Of her well-rumpled bed:
"The customer always comes first."

There was a young man of St. James
Who indulged in the jolliest games:
He lighted the rim
Of his grandmother's quim,
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.

Young Raymond was careless, they say,
In planning his rolls in the hay;
For his last bedded doll
Was a Mob capo's moll -
The result was... some holes in young Ray!

There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.

A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
I learn from My spies
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
But when she passed the meat market,
The prices did not please her,
Tonight she's having leg of lamb,
the rest is in the freezer!!!

(STAR TREK)
There was a young doc named McCoy
Who cloned himself more to enjoy
The girls aboard ship
But he made a bad slip
They all wanted the real McCoy

Mary had a little gram (er, I mean lamb)
It's stash was white as snow.
Everywhere that Mary went,
They both enjoyed a blow.

A shapely young lady named Fern
Puts out and is paid in return.
"And my earnings," she said,
"I conceal in my bed,
"Since the ads say to save where you earn."

"You may think me a bit of a cynic,"
Wheezed a crafty old geezer name Minnick
To a gal of the night,
"But you don't look just right,
And I'd hate to end up in a CLINIC!"

Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village idiot sat
Amusing himself
By abusing himself
And catching it in his hat

A burleyque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
And died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.

Here's to America,
Land of the push!
Where a bird in the hand
Is worth two in the bush.
But if, in that bush
A young maiden doth stand -
Then a push in the bush
Is worth two in the hand!"

Susan Butcher loves her 'waggin' train
And the sleet and snow and cold terrain.
When she gets home
From the race to Nome
Alaska how long she's been insane!

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical!

A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A.'s and Lit. D.'s,
Collapsed from the strain.
Said her doctor, "It's plain
You're killing yourself by degrees!"

I went fishing one day, just for the halibut.
All I caught was a haddock,
So I went home and took too many aspirins,
And then my herring got impaired.

There was an old hermit of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
He explained, "I don't mind,
For she's gentle and kind,
But I wish she had slightly less hair."

A reckless punk rocker named Tate,
Got drunk before tying on skates.
But he fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

There was a young girl from Peru
Who was bored and had nothing to do.
So she sat on the stairs
And counted her hairs
Four thousand, three hundred, and two.

There once was a girl named Irene,
Who lived on distilled kerosene;
But she started absorbin,
a new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzene.

An avidly ambitious aardvark
commenced a career as a card shark;
to the shouts of his foes
when he dealt with his nose
he said "smelling your ace was the hard part!"

Roses are red,
And ready for plucking,
She's fifteen,
And ready for ...
High school.

I love you in blue,
I love you in red,
But most of all baby,
I love you in bed

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her yard,
When she took her panties off,
His woolly dick got hard.

Roses are red,
Pickles are green,
I like your legs,
And what's in between.

There once was a man named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave,
She was dirty and gritty,
And missing one titty,
But think of the money he saved!

There once was a young lady from Heath,
Who circumcised young men with her teeth,
She said with a grin,
"It's not for the skin,"
"But rather for the cheese underneath."

The saintly old Bishop of Birmingham,
F**ked young boys while confirming'em.
With screeches and roars,
He'd rip down their drawers,
And whip his Episcopal worm in'em.

There was a young man from Rangoon,
Who's farts could be heard on the moon,
When you least would expect them,
They'd roar from his rectum,
With a sound like a double bassoon!

A mortician's daughter named Maddie,
Told an eager, but virginal, young laddie,
"If you do as I say,
We can have a great lay,
Since I've buried more stiffs than my daddy."

There once was a whore of the Azores,
Whose snatch was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't touch the green meat,
Which hung in festoons from her drawers.

Since her baby came, miss Snow
Won't diddle, she just hollers, "NO!"
She thinks a fat senator,
Was it's likely progenitor
But having laid ten, she can't know ...

There was an old prophet named Moses,
Who once said, "A girl is a fool who supposes
That a man, as a rule
Can boast of a tool
Proportionately long as his foot is."

There was a young lady from Sidney,
Who liked it right up to her kidney,
A man from Quebec,
Shoved it up to her neck,
He had a big one, now didn't he?

There was a young fellow named Grimes,
Who made his girl seventeen times,
In the course of a week
That is not to speak
Of assorted venereal crimes ...

Not drunk is he who from the floor,
Can rise alone and still drink more.
But drunk is he who prostrate lies,
Without the power to drink or rise!

I have found the perfect woman,
I could not ask for more,
She is deaf, dumb, oversexed,
And she owns a liquor store.

Down in the crypts of St. Giles,
The screaming resounded for miles,
Said the vicar "Good Gracious,
"Has Father Ignatius,
"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

The night was dark, The sky was blue,
Down the alley the turd wagon flew!
A bump was hit, a scream was heard,
A man was killed by a flying turd!
Upon his tomb was plainly writ:
This Man Was Killed by Flying Shit!

Said Saddam, the Iraqi from Hell,
"By invading Kuwait I'll do well!"
Oh, he made such a rout,
But the ones who made out,
Were Texaco, Exxon and Shell.

Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover drove her,
Because Rover had a bone of his own!

There once was a woman from Sidney..
Who said she could take one to the Kidney...
Along came a man from Quebec
and gave her one to the neck.

The was a man from Nantucket
Who had one so long he could suck it.
So he said with a grin, as he wiped his chin
If my ear were a C--t I would F--k it...

Here lies the bones of ol' Screwy Dick
Blest at birth with a corkscrew prick
Spent his life in a fruitless hunt
For a woman with a corkscrew cunt
At last he found her, poor Dick fell dead
For the corkscrew cunt had a left hand thread

There was a girl from Dung-D
Who got raped by an ape in a tree.
The results were most horrid,
all ass and no forehead,
3 balls an a purple gautee...

There once was a Lady from Whealing.
Who had a Very Particular Feeling.
She'd Lay on he Back.
And Piddle with he Crack.
And Pee All over the ceiling

Jack and Jill went up the hill
They each had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
Jack came down a little shorter

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do some Hanky Panky.
Jack went 'Uh!' and Jill went 'Ah!'
And out came baby Frankie!

Under the old apple tree
is where she first showed it to me
She showed me her spot and she called it a twat
But it looked like an asshole to me....

There once was a man with blonde hair
who was fucking a girl on the stairs
the banister broke
but he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in mid-air

There once was a man from Alberdeen
who invented a jerking machine
on the twenty-fith stroke
the damn thing broke
and beat his balls to a cream

There once was a man from New York
who's tool was as dry as a cork
when he attempted to screw
his tool broke in two
and now his tool is a fork

the cabin boy, the captian's joy
a cunning little nipper
they stuffed his ass with broken glass
and circumsized the skipper

A Rabbi who lived in Peru,
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said,"Oye Vey!
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you."

There was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing some broad by the sea.
Said the broad "Stop you plumbing,
There's somebody coming"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing,
"It's me!"

Down in the crypts of St. Giles,
The screaming resounded for miles,
Said the vicar "Good Gracious,
"Has Father Ignatius,
"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

Did you ever think as a hearse goes by,
That you might beeee the next to die.
They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet,
And throw you in about 6 feet deep.
Then all goes well for about a week,
Until the coffin begins to leak.
 The worms crawl in..
 The worms crawl out..
 In your stomach and out your mouth..
 They eat your fingers,
 They eat your toes..
 They eat the boogers right out of your nose...

I'm sure you can imagine it, as simple as can be.
The place is very private, the players are he and she.
She whispers will it hurt? Of course not he pleads.
It's just a simple process, Lay back and open please.
She said I'm kinda frightend, I've never done this before.
He started to convince her, It wouldn't hurt much more.
It's getting kinda painful, as tears formed in her eyes.
It hurts me something awful, It must be quite some size.
Now calm yourself my darling, your being held in sin.
Open up slightly more, so I can squeeze more of it in.
Then suddenly with a jump, she shout a little shout.
It's overnow he said, thank god he pulled it out.
Now if you read this carefully, surely you will find,
he's really just a dentist, and it's all in your Dirty Mind.

  --------------------------------------

Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one enening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
And one said to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt

They crept up on that sleeping scotsman quiet as could be
And lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the scot's kilt did lift and show

The scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gasps at what he sees
In a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Oh lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize

  --------------------------------------

The body get stiff, you get cramps in your legs,
Corn on your legs as big as hen's eggs.
Gas on your stomach, elimination is poor,
Take Exlax at night and even then your're not sure.

You soak in the tub, or your body will smell,
'Tis just like I said, "Old age is hell".
The teeth start decaying, eyesight is poor,
Hair is falling all over the floor.

Sex life is short, it's a thing of the past,
Don't kid yourselves friends, even that doesn't last.
Can't go to parties, don't dance anymore,
Just putting it mildly, you're a "Hell of a Bore".

Liquor is out, can't take a chance,
Bladder is weak, might pee in your pants.
Nothing to plan for, nothing to expect,
Just the mailman, bringing your Social Seurity check.

Now be sure your affairs are in order,
And your will made out right.
Or on the way to your grave,
There'll be a hell of a fight.

So if in the comming days, you feel fairly well,
Thank God you're alive,
Even tho: "Old Age is Hell".

--------------------------------------

This is a comment , To a statement I've made.
The people of this World, Have gone completely Insane.
They rob you and Rape you. Just to mention a Few.
Stab you and choke you, For something to Do.
You park in their place, You're libel to be Shot.
And if you drive a nice Car, It's more likely than Not!
Now if you need a few dollars, To the Bank you will Drive.
Better wear your Bulletproof Vest If you want to make it Alive
It's out of Control, The fear we live In.
You bolt your frontdoor, Just to get it kicked In.
Now you want it to End, It's easy to Stop.
Next time you have Trouble, Just Dial: 1800ROBO COP

--------------------------------------

Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight,
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight.
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey,
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today.

While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear.
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The Foreman wasn't very pleased, the bloody awkward sod,
And he said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all those bricks by hand, it was so very slow
That I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below.
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building brick was heavier than me!

And so, when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead!
I shot up like a rocket, 'til to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down!

The barrel broke my shoulder as toward the ground it sped,
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head.
I hung on tightly, numb with shock from this almighty blow,
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when those bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel, and so started down once more,
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again!

The force of this collision, halfway up the office block
Cause multiple contusions and a nasty state of shock.
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground,
And landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there, groaning, on the ground.  I thought I'd passed the worst,
But the barrel hit the pulleywheel, and then the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope!

The barrel then was free to fall, and down it came once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor.
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today!

 --------------------------------------

People were getting nervous after dark.
Some dude had been flashing in the park.
He wore a long trench coat
and left pornographic notes,
and giggled obscene remarks.
Now the chief who was a former private eye.
Said,"Never fear we'll apprehend this crazy guy."
"Yeah, we got a great plan
we're gonna send our best man
Jones, of the F.B.and I.
Well the plan was bound for success,
although it called for a little daring finesse.
See Jones would stroll alongside
and appeal to his pride
with a challenge to a flashing contest.
And then when all the flashing began,
Well, Jones would have his man!
When he'd seen enough
he'd snap on them cuffs.
But there was just one catch to the plan!
Now should Jones be caught somehow.
Well the department would completely disavow
Any knowledge of him
he'd be out on a limb.
Good luck, Jones, Go get him now.
Meanwhile a grey Chevrolet
had staked out the park that same day
And unknown to Jones
he was'nt working alone
Out stepped Smith of the C.I. and A.
Now Smith's orders were explicit
Arrest that flasher illicit!!
But should the assignment be blown
Well ole Smith was all on his own!
No help could he ever solicit.
Now Smith's plan made pretty good sense.
What he'd do, see he'd gain the flasher's confidence
He'd begin to flash
Then when the villain got brash.
He'd handcuff the evidence!
Go get him, Smith, You too, Jones!
Now Smith and Jones saw each other over by the fountain
Things got tense
the suspense was mounting.
They both thought the'd spotted their man.
So they went to phase two of their plan.
And the following details defy recounting.
Ole Jones challenged Smith to a duel.
And ole Smith thought to himself,
"OK, I got you now you fool."
And in a mutual flash,
They both made a mad dash,
And splash, fell into the pool.
How the rest happened nobody knows.
But in the struggle they both lost all their clothes!
They came up with a sputter.
Handcuffed to each other.
Naked from their heads to their toes!
Now along about this time here come the REAL FLASHER!
Who made a citizen's arrest.
Over loud and obscene protests.
And he hauled 'em down to jail.
And they were booked without bail.
A SAD SITUATION AT BEST!
To make matters worse they tried to make explanations.
And they found they'd lost all their identification.
Yeah, the F.B. and I. and the C.I. and A. didn't claim any association!
Well they pleaded and swore they'd never do it again.
So they didn't have to serve any time in the pen.
Yeah, their sentence was suspended.
Provided they attended,
Rehabilitation classes for dirty old men!

--------------------------------------

For years 'n years they told me,
be careful of your breasts,
don't ever squeeze or bruise them
and give them monthly tests".

So I heeded all their warnings
and protected them by law.
guarded them very carefully
and always wore a bra.

After 30 years of dutiful care
the doctor found a lump,
he ordered up a mammogram
to look inside that clump.

Stand up very close," she said,
Ah yes, there, that's fine",
As she got my tit in line.
Tell me if it hurts", she said.

She stepped upon a pedal ...
I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate was pressing down ...
My boob was in a vice!!!!

My skin was stretched and stretched
From way up by my chin.
My poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt
Within its vicelikegrip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing
My poor, defenseless tit!!!!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me.
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine
I can't breathe, and woozy I'm getting.

There, that was good", I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
"Now let's do the other one",
Lord have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me up and down,
It squeezed from side t side,
I'll bet SHE never had this done
To HER tender little hide!!!!

If I had no problem when I came in
I surely had one now...
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have popped ... ker pow!

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt.
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For months he'd go without!!!!

 --------------------------------------

T'was the night before crisis, and all though the house,
not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
knowing changes of cutover hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a super programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete.
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights in front of the screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk!

And laying his finger on the "enter" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates, updated, the deletes, they deleted,
The inquiries, inquired, and the closing completed.

He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary an abend and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The customer's last changes were even included.

And the customer exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want".

 --------------------------------------

When I woke up This Morning
The dawn was soft and still
A little Robin came and sat
Upon my window sill
He tipped his head and looked at me
his eyes so bright and clear
He chirped a little melody
My morning thoughts to cheer
His song he sang so sweetly
Without a moments lull
I gently closed the window
and crushed his #@*&! skull.

There was a bird with a yellow bill
perched upon my window sill.
I lured him in with crumbs of bread
then I squashed his little head.
Oh me - oh my I'm such a klutz.
I missed his head and squashed his nuts.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my Cusinart to keep.
I pray my stocks are on the rise,
and that my analyst is wise.
That all the wine I sip is white,
and that my hot tub's watertight,
that racquetball won't get to tough,
that all my sushi fresh enough.
I pray my cordless phone still works,
that my career won't lose it's perks,
my microwave won't radiate,
my condo won't depreciate.
I pray my health club doesn't close,
and that my money market grows.
If I go broke before I wake,
I pray my volvo they won"t take.

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
Came and found the two dead boys
If you don't believe this story is true
Just ask the blind man he saw it too

'Twas the Pig Fair last September.
The day I well remember
I was walking up and down in drunken pride..
When My knees began to flutter,
So I sat down in the gutter..
When a Pig came up and lay down by my side.
As I was sitting in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I could not utter..
I thought I heard a passing lady say:
"You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses."
And with that the pig got up and walked away.
The sky was blue, the moon was high
we were all alone, just she and I
Her hair was brown her eyes were blue,
I knew just what she wanted to do!
With all my courage I did my best
I put my hand apon her breast
I shook and trembled as I felt her heart,
She slowly spread her legs apart!
I knew she was ready but didn't know how
It was my very first experience...
MILKING A COW!

There was a Redback on the Toilet Seat
When I was there last night
I didn't see him in the dark,
but Boy I felt his bite.
And now I'm here in Hospital,
A sad and sorry sight,
and I curse that Redback Spider on
The toilet seat last night.